I’m tired of this shit.
It’s about time that everyone learned their damn homophones. If you slept your way through the fourth grade or just skipped all of the grammar lectures because you were too busy sucking off that dude in the locker room, then maybe this table will help clear up some of the fucking confusion.
Commonly fucked up homophones.
| These | …are not | …the fucking same. |
|---|---|---|
| Affect Your horrendous grammar affects the quality of your input as an interlocutor. | Effect Your grammar’s effects are so unspeakable that you should be prosecuted at The Hague. | *Hint: Effect is most commonly a noun; affect is most commonly a verb. |
| Bare By using improper grammar, you are laying bare your ignorance. | Bear I cannot bear this any longer: please, learn your damn homophones. | |
| Capital Capital punishment should be applied to people who use improper grammar. | Capitol Improper grammar is not allowed inside the capitol. | *Hint: Capitol has an ‘O,’ which is round like the rotunda in the US Capitol Building. |
| Complement Proper homophone usage is a necessary complement to a well-rounded individual. | Compliment If you can’t get your homophones correct, no one will compliment you. | |
| Discreet If you can’t discern the difference between homophones, then be discreet. | Discrete There is a discrete difference between someone who knows homophones and someone who does not. | |
| Dual The dual benefit of knowing homophones is that you will be able to communicate effectively and you won’t look like a jackass. | Duel If you can’t even get homophones right, imagine how you’d do in a duel. Let’s just put it this way: John Wayne knew his homophones. | *Hint: Duel is usually deadly; dual is almost never harmful at all. |
| Its Bad grammar shall no longer rear its ugly head. | It’s It’s a terrible thing to use improper grammar. | *Hint: Its can only be possessive; It’s is a contraction of ‘it’ & ‘is’. Strongbad can explain this in further detail. |
| Loose The grammar gods shall let loose some horrible plague upon you should you choose to continue fucking up homophones. | Lose Using bad grammar is a social stigma, which makes you lose credibility. | |
| Principal The principal frowns upon fucking up homophones. | Principle Using proper grammar is a good principle to live by. | *Hint: Principal contains the word ‘pal,’ which is a person just like the principal. |
| Than By fucking up homophones, you show that most fourth graders have better grammar than you. | Then If you can’t write properly, then don’t write at all. | |
| Their Their egregious grammar sin of mixing up homophones will not go unpunished. | There There is no excuse for fucking this up. | They’re They’re just stupid if they can’t get this. *Hint: They’re is a contraction of ‘they’ & ‘are’. |
| To I’m going to ban you from speaking if you can’t get homophones right. | Too The rest of the world hates you, too. | Two You should have learned these when you were two. |
| Verses The verses of the canonized Holy Text do not contain incorrect homophone usage; therefore, it is a cardinal sin to fuck them up. | Versus A match against good grammar versus bad grammar is like Batman fighting a baby and stealing his candy in the process. | *Hint: Versus can only be a preposition, so it can only take the form of ‘Me versus You’ or ‘This versus That’; verses will almost always be a noun. |
| Your Your grammar sucks. | You’re You’re an idiot if you fuck up homophones. | *Hint: Your can only be possessive; you’re is a contraction of ‘you’ & ‘are’. See theWarehouse for further explication. |
