I’m tired of this shit.
It’s about time that everyone learned their damn homophones. If you slept your way through the fourth grade or just skipped all of the grammar lectures because you were too busy sucking off that dude in the locker room, then maybe this table will help clear up some of the fucking confusion.
Commonly fucked up homophones.
|These||…are not||…the fucking same.|
| Affect |
Your horrendous grammar affects the quality of your input as an interlocutor.
| Effect |
Your grammar’s effects are so unspeakable that you should be prosecuted at The Hague.
*Hint: Effect is most commonly a noun; affect is most commonly a verb.
| Bare |
By using improper grammar, you are laying bare your ignorance.
| Bear |
I cannot bear this any longer: please, learn your damn homophones.
| Capital |
Capital punishment should be applied to people who use improper grammar.
| Capitol |
Improper grammar is not allowed inside the capitol.
*Hint: Capitol has an ‘O,’ which is round like the rotunda in the US Capitol Building.
| Complement |
Proper homophone usage is a necessary complement to a well-rounded individual.
| Compliment |
If you can’t get your homophones correct, no one will compliment you.
| Discreet |
If you can’t discern the difference between homophones, then be discreet.
| Discrete |
There is a discrete difference between someone who knows homophones and someone who does not.
| Dual |
The dual benefit of knowing homophones is that you will be able to communicate effectively and you won’t look like a jackass.
| Duel |
If you can’t even get homophones right, imagine how you’d do in a duel. Let’s just put it this way: John Wayne knew his homophones.
*Hint: Duel is usually deadly; dual is almost never harmful at all.
| Its |
Bad grammar shall no longer rear its ugly head.
| It’s |
It’s a terrible thing to use improper grammar.
| Loose |
The grammar gods shall let loose some horrible plague upon you should you choose to continue fucking up homophones.
| Lose |
Using bad grammar is a social stigma, which makes you lose credibility.
| Principal |
The principal frowns upon fucking up homophones.
| Principle |
Using proper grammar is a good principle to live by.
*Hint: Principal contains the word ‘pal,’ which is a person just like the principal.
| Than |
By fucking up homophones, you show that most fourth graders have better grammar than you.
| Then |
If you can’t write properly, then don’t write at all.
| Their |
Their egregious grammar sin of mixing up homophones will not go unpunished.
| There |
There is no excuse for fucking this up.
| They’re |
They’re just stupid if they can’t get this.
*Hint: They’re is a contraction of ‘they’ & ‘are’.
| To |
I’m going to ban you from speaking if you can’t get homophones right.
| Too |
The rest of the world hates you, too.
| Two |
You should have learned these when you were two.
| Verses |
The verses of the canonized Holy Text do not contain incorrect homophone usage; therefore, it is a cardinal sin to fuck them up.
| Versus |
A match against good grammar versus bad grammar is like Batman fighting a baby and stealing his candy in the process.
*Hint: Versus can only be a preposition, so it can only take the form of ‘Me versus You’ or ‘This versus That’; verses will almost always be a noun.
| Your |
Your grammar sucks.
| You’re |
You’re an idiot if you fuck up homophones.